Waiting for You

 

I’m going to sleep hoping I’ll be aroused in the middle of the night, by a phone call, by your phone call. I don’t have time left and in the left time I have; I wish to inhale your mad love in every breath. The clock is ticking and I don’t mind arguments as long as you still stay within the reach of my desperate touch. Don’t go away, for once I leave, I might never come back. I’ve crawled too long hoping this labour will be over soon but confusion and despondency come up with new excuses to exist.  Now I am devoid of all energy to speak and so listen to my tears for they are the only voice I have left. You say you don’t want to talk to me and you’ve assured there are no means left for me to contact you and so I’m waiting. I’m going crazy waiting for you.

I check my phone more often than necessary and when I don’t, I hallucinate my ringtone because the idea of speaking to you has rented a corner inside my head. I obsess over the wait ordinarily and when I don’t, I visualize and imagine you’re already here. Your lips whispering your perception of my beauty as your words melt once they make it to my ears. I know that soft smile on your cheeks when I crack a silly joke and I can realistically hear you repeatedly recite “I love you”. However, this doesn’t last long, and slowly that ‘expression of love’ phone call simmers down to empty silence. This makes me crave you even more than earlier but I have no other choice, so I’m waiting. I’m going crazy waiting for you.

I had started believing that I can purge a thought if needed, that I can control my obsessions and focus on other things or just not focus on anything at all. But only that night knows how arbitrary and simultaneous and yet, how tenacious my feelings have been. After the lights go out; I stare relentlessly into the hollow of the darkness. When everybody is asleep and there is no noise in the vicinity or no chore for me to engage myself with. In that bleak moment, the idea of you not being around disturbs me like an ache in the head and soon I am knocked out, like those lights, I fall asleep with that emotion of despair that makes me feeble and my eyes close in disappointment. The least I can expect then is to see dreams that are better than my lonely pitch-black reality of the midnight. The dreams of wish fulfillment, they call it. I see you soon enough in your profile picture with my eyes closed. Then I talk to you on the phone and the moment it starts appearing true, I hear another voice, not from inside my head this time. It awakens me from my mesmerizing dream and I restlessly search for my phone to fortunately find that it’s you. The over-enthusiastic me takes the call and tells you that I was going crazy waiting for you.

-Maithili