Magical Mess

 yesterday, I was scared alone today, I come home yesterday, I sowed some love today, I shall reap yesterday, I was high on life today, I am deep yesterday, I asked “who am I meant to be?” today, I came full circle back to me -maithili

I knelt down in the library to pick out books from the bottom shelf I lost awareness of my body and time; even the library itself like in a temple or a mosque you take a moment to bow to the infinite wisdom beyond your understanding I am brought to my knees by this palace of knowledge that can elevate me if I allow -maithili

  I will write some words down and reveal myself to all that is aware I hold sunshine in my skin and carry stars in my hair I have lived a lot of lives but I am most alive in my writing my words capture the essence of my soul unbeknownst to even me I am my own guiding energy one with the wind and waves there is infinite wisdom in how nature behaves we forget sometimes but I shall now remind you we humans are nature too -maithili

  life is to me what the ocean is to Moana a friend, a guiding light, a calling a safety net when I’m falling it was purposefully orchestrated what appears to have happened by chance life has been nothing but one beautiful romance the sacred secrets of life were coded into my DNA I have always known night to be a harbinger to day I have always seen storms as wise teachers I have intuitively known them to pass every time I have always stopped, smiled, and been grateful for sunshine I have given out my love to people who needed it, knowing I can always manufacture more I have ventured out in the ocean, knowing that when it’s time, the waves will guide me back to the shore I have faith in life, like Moana in the ocean I dance with emotion like Moana with the waves my heart is open to all the strange and surprising ways in which life behaves how could this be so novel and nostalgic like I never understood, yet always knew since I was a child to mas...

  I must be a breathtaking verse because he reads me like I’m the most exquisite piece of writing ever written visibly smitten he keeps me by his side like his favourite book experiencing joy in deciphering every word I have never been heard like this I have never been read with a passion like his I have never relied on a man like I rely on him I swim where I previously drowned I smile where I have formerly frowned I light up where I have been dim and he basks in my light he beams in my delight he is breaking a curse as he highlights his favourite verse I have nothing but gratitude for this universe -maithili

  in a different world money could be greed and guilt money could be fear and frustration money can be the reason someone engineers their own destruction but money responds to the character of who partners with her she enhances what her companion already stands for so, in my world, money is contribution to my touch, money transforms into freedom money becomes love when I share it with loved ones money becomes metal because I’m magnetic  money becomes confidence when I invest in my style money becomes romance when we go on vacation money becomes abundance when I dream big -maithili

my spirit was never bound by my limbs a feral mind inside a skin that has tried her best to blend with the rest I have known myself to be alone for as long as I can remember not lonely, just solitary just a rhythm that no other cognition can fathom dancing to I sway and move and spin outside of my skin with the swiftness of a falcon so much so that my body is catching up to what my mind has already embodied wealth is seeking me for the freedom I already practice  the world is catching up to what my spirit has already created circumstances are being orchestrated for the joy I already feel there is no pain that cannot heal and no problem that cannot be solved by an evolved spirit -maithili

  I get it because I do it too drop to the ground and yell at the sky dig my nails in my own skin just like you, I also cry we both don’t feel understood after having said everything, we could you know they need you to pretend you’re okay but just like me, you cannot lie we both don’t belong, a misfit I believe you when you say you try your heart is as breakable as mine I’m just on the other side of the same coin we have two different hearts, with the same heartbeat I keep writing and then I delete “I’m as sick as the ones I treat” -maithili

  I’m the kind to feel everything through but there is pain that even I push down the memories that dare not surface or I shall drown I had victoriously forgotten for years but I suppose you had to touch that nerve a familiar tremble, a similar ache you broke me so atrociously you reminded me of my first heartbreak the kind I must be cautious to mention because most shall not understand the kind where I tirelessly convince myself for me you were not right but for some days I lose myself, my sanity and my appetite tears know no bounds my soul shivers as my hands shake your deeds so merciless I’m reminded of my first heartbreak -maithili

the kind of passion that tests your limits a love that asks for blood what you feel in your skin and toes and lungs and bones the kind of love that asks for courage I’m that kind of a love the kind you prove with your entire existence you tremble as you create Art I’m worth all the work I’m not for the weak, for the faint of heart I’m not for those who hold convenience close to their chest I can’t stand conditional care or masks that feign romance while eyes behind them rest I’m all for the devotion that dares for the ones that will make a fool of themselves in the name of intimacy I’m not for the calculative ones I run from the oversmart I’m not for faint of heart -maithili

I'm in a movie I always am usually  I caper through the plot twists and yet I enjoy the plan you weren't in the script I had rehearsed you were a surprise  dialogues well versed  you said all the perfect things you became everything I wanted  and then you left me haunted you had me feeling so sure  that I was finally going to belong  and then you became doubt you promised protection  and then you became the evil you warned me about  -maithili

  I was swept off my feet all caution evapourated by the heat, of the moment you looked like poetry handwritten just for me finally, something so undoubtedly meant to be like art but I was silly, I was just being daft this love was real and raw but unchosen, like a first draft, now, I’m frozen in time oh, cruel lover of mine how capricious is your poetry how did you crumble me so easily, forgot about my existence while you wrote your new sentence you poured everything into me and then named me overwhelm I feel like a redundant verse you no longer need me I was trying to be the reason you pause and look I was trying to be your book You spoke as if you were hoping someday I'd be your better half but I was just a first draft -maithili

my lover brought me to this island for only me, he played his violin when he serenaded, the stars twinkled when he played in the dark, the sun would rise   he left me bereft one night said he’d be back by the time it’s daylight stranded, I waited hours, months, and years I fear the island will drown in my tears I have begged and cursed my luck ever since my lover left the sun hasn’t gone up   I wonder about so many things was this his plan since the beginning? did he mean it when he was singing? was it love or were they lies? If he comes back, will I be able to recognize? will the sun ever rise again? I hope so, because I’d give anything to look in those hazel eyes again -maithili

  my friends don’t understand what has gone so terribly wrong why I cry for a guy who I haven’t even known that long I mourn not the weeks we spent my tears are for the years we won’t the songs we’d dance to the lyrics I was going to dedicate to you my heart aches for the faith I had in us I scream,   for our hopes and dreams the snowboarding lessons I was about to get you hadn’t even officially asked me out yet I’m broken because I wanted you to be my man I tried articulating my heart but you didn’t understand -maithili

 we’ve kissed 22 times every time you say this one’s the last Tik tock tik tock we’re going too fast   I held your hand 4 seconds ago It’s already been three hours Tik Tock Tik Tock you bought me purple flowers   you listen to me you plan down to the last detail Tick tock tick tock let this time be my fairytale   you cuddle me in your sheets I’m already falling asleep Tick Tock Tick Tock we’re in too deep   *Missed call* I text you "Please call me back when you’re free" Tick tock tick tock And just like that, you have no time for me -maithili

I’m a story that hasn’t been told a secret that hides in plain sight a mess that hasn’t seen the daylight a song that hasn’t been sung Inconvenience is my middle name I’m a ticking bomb in human form as destructive as a storm they should call me a catastrophe the kind that wipes out the mundane stability doesn’t stand a chance in my world I’m a gorgeous kind of insane I’m a scream that no one hears I’m the smile veiling the tears I’m a dark wrapped in lightning that blinds you with its brightness and so, I’ve got to confess that messy is my nickname I lend water to the rain I'm a gorgeous kind of insane -maithili

before you bask in my sunshine appreciate that it comes from a ball of fire like water, when you say I quench you remember, I can also flood understand that I can devastate and heal that I’m quiet as much as I’m loud sometimes diffident when I look proud more smart than I am fun I think I stayed too long and you say I always run I’m a dancer, but I also write my bravado keeps up with my fright I need stability even when I’m always talking about growth you can love it, or you can loathe I’m not either or, I’m both -maithili 

I've always written my heart but now you seem to understand  you've always told me you love me  but now you seem to mean it I've always worn my heart on my sleeve invisible to oblivious eyes but now you seem to have seen it I've wished for your support for the longest time and now you look like my biggest fan and just like that, my 17 year old becomes a man your innocence shines through your eyes your compassionate heart lights up the room around your subtle confidence the doubt dies your courageous love is worth bowing down to and just like that, my 17 year old turns 22

arms that can carry me a heart that can carry my intensity a mind willing to quiet down and understand a palm that wants to feel my hand a pair of eyes that follow my silhouette I’ll take no less than what I offer It’s a simple plan, give your lover girl her lover man a man who reads my poetry like a Muslim his salah like a scholar his literature a priest his scripture I’ll take some insanity since love can’t survive in people too wise I’ll take some innocence the kind that brings tears to your eyes a love I don’t have to beg for a love that’s first nature I want a man who knows my writing like a Muslim his salah like a scholar his literature -maithili

  “I’m sorry, I did it again, I didn’t think” exactly my point I mentioned you in conversations that had nothing to do with you I manufactured a link when I didn’t think, I shimmied when I saw you a hundredth time, with a joy so new I couldn’t afford to blink when I didn’t think, I told them I’ll call them later until it was too late for you, I made all of them wait eyes on you, the world could die when I didn’t think, I sat right next to you hands held together by an imaginary glue I sipped from your drink when I didn’t think, I held you and danced slow I copied your “though” I loved you and I wanted to show I filled your heart up to the brink when I didn’t think, I think we speak from our heart when not thinking with our brain which is why I always begun with yours and you always concluded with my name -maithili

making me priority wasn't a negotiable  you obviously didn't heed my words I told you I'm at my wits' end You said "babe you're making a big deal" "Oh I'm so sorry if I'm upset about being the third wheel  with my own boyfriend" dinners and ice cream dates and grocery stores he might as well tag along us in bed at this point  you look in his eyes as you make conversation  you make breakfast for three, when you're with me I remember when you called him to make sure he had a ride home I don't remember the last time you picked me up without being asked  at this point you might as well kiss his lips as you move closer to him to show him this cool reel while I sit there feeling like the third wheel  in my own relationship -maithili 

 Maithili  -Ruhi there are so many things you could do and you gave all of them up to do motherhood  you could be a creative director or an artist, a philosopher, an activist, a traveller, a thinker, a business owner, a relationships' therapist, or a children's therapist  you could have done all that that made you, you but instead you grabbed onto my wrist  and told me stories with a twist don't say "yes" when you don't understand  ask questions when you hear something that doesn't sound fair or true when they say "this doesn't look nice", ask "to who?" so I asked why it's not okay for me to laugh loudly, or cry, or wear the shorts my brother wears all the time, why do girls leave their family for a man's, what is dowry, why is the woman's honour on line when she gets raped and not the perpetrator's, why don't men receive flowers, if women are bad drivers then why do insurance companies charge them less, how do e...

 I'm a calamity I'm afraid of my thoughts a chaos  I run from rumination but I can't seem to leave it behind  so intelligent I lose my mind what music can't tame I'm up against my brain  I give it information to consume when I don't, it consumes me instead I think more than what's been said then I open the DSM hoping it would answer my what, why and when I try one book after another  and nothing has been said about what's it like inside my head It's a battle I dread I'm up against my head I run and I run But how do you run from what's inside  imagine intelligence having a downside -maithili 

 if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name they would've gifted me a galaxy and revealed the rules of their game I would be bestowed with good fortune  I would shine against all odds if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name I dive headfirst  and it aches my heart before my skulls hurts gave him my crazy from the start and he didn't know the art of love and being crazy about me I tried to articulate  and he responded with his nods things wouldn't be the same if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name  the same mistake  one basket : all my eggs said he could carry my flame but I'm standing on my own two legs I cancelled on people to be with him he planned with his friends cancelling on his dame got no one to blame because I didn't call upon the gods instead of calling his name -Maithili 

I thought whirlwinds were love and I thought lightening was love  I thought butterflies were love and I thought reassurance was impossible in love I thought stability could never go with adventure  novelty, with structure and then I fell in love with a man who made me laugh and for some reason,  always wore black hammered away 54 hours and somehow,  still, always called me back we're talking about a private man who will, somehow, now, publically hold my hand and tell people we're dating  put me on his shoulders,  when we're celebrating  and let yourself be reminded we're not talking about some average jerk we're talking about a man who takes my call at work this man speculates my reactions and his predictions are exact for convenience,  we'll refer to him as "my  emergency contact" -Maithili 

 my dark I’ve tried rolling with my instinct I’ve followed a prudent plan cutting myself slack to testing my own limits I have done everything i can   walks, music, reading, writing I’ve been assertive I’ve been too nice I’ve journaled and hung out with friends you name it, I’ve done it twice   a happy, strong, hopeful, social butterfly standards so heavy my shoulder is bruised I am hopeless, and hurt; I feel weak and lonely are phrases I’ve never used   so tonight, I break down because I cannot hold up I am tired of being so brave the freedom to fail remains a privilege if I could, I would cave   I would collapse into loving arms I am dying to bend my knee loved for my high spirit will I be accepted for my vulnerability   will someone hold me in my sorrows will someone see beyond the cheer with my eloquence when I describe my dark will they still wanna hear?   I don’t know the answer so I c...

like a painting doesn't make sense when you're zoomed in and consumed in it like you don't understand warmth when there's just half knitted wool in your hand I didn't see how you were woven into my story  slowly,  one thread at a time you became my sweater  you became my name, letter by letter  -maithili

 Dipsomaniac another sip of you down the throat an alcoholic drenched in pain what is lethal to the heart is compulsive to my brain   summer dies into autumn my leaf falls to your feet, as if in prostration a casual crunch on that red rust as you omit hesitation   a love that pales with the trees only so long a summer fling can be i turn up the music so as to drown out the motorcycles in my vicinity   a starry violet window a starry eyed dipsomaniac out of luck a yearning for sobriety a fall that is all about getting back up -maithili

  Letter to Ma Ma, you know me, I bawl my soul out and I’m falling apart as I write I scream “why” in the sky, and I cry myself to sleep at night Ma, there’s an emotional whirlwind in the life of your little hurricane But I guess the price for embodying love is paid by enduring pain   You know me, I dive headfirst knowing the waves could get rough Ma, I gave him my everything and somehow it still wasn’t enough My romantic life seems to regularly test me until I shatter It was my birthday Ma, and he didn’t show up like I didn’t matter   And it got me thinking about the standards Dad’aa set He gives me time and attention even as the most arrogant man I have ever met Empties his bank account on me and doesn’t even keep score It would break him to see me settle for someone who must be asked to open my door   But the hollow of my heart yearns for an intimate touch When I come home no one hugs me and greets me with a, "I missed you so much...