Magical Mess

  “I’m sorry, I did it again, I didn’t think” exactly my point I mentioned you in conversations that had nothing to do with you I manufactured a link when I didn’t think, I shimmied when I saw you a hundredth time, with a joy so new I couldn’t afford to blink when I didn’t think, I told them I’ll call them later until it was too late for you, I made all of them wait eyes on you, the world could die when I didn’t think, I sat right next to you hands held together by an imaginary glue I sipped from your drink when I didn’t think, I held you and danced slow I copied your “though” I loved you and I wanted to show I filled your heart up to the brink when I didn’t think, I think we speak from our heart when not thinking with our brain which is why I always begun with yours and you always concluded with my name -maithili

making me priority wasn't a negotiable  you obviously didn't heed my words I told you I'm at my wits' end You said "babe you're making a big deal" "Oh I'm so sorry if I'm upset about being the third wheel  with my own boyfriend" dinners and ice cream dates and grocery stores he might as well tag along us in bed at this point  you look in his eyes as you make conversation  you make breakfast for three, when you're with me I remember when you called him to make sure he had a ride home I don't remember the last time you picked me up without being asked  at this point you might as well kiss his lips as you move closer to him to show him this cool reel while I sit there feeling like the third wheel  in my own relationship -maithili 

 Maithili  -Ruhi there are so many things you could do and you gave all of them up to do motherhood  you could be a creative director or an artist, a philosopher, an activist, a traveller, a thinker, a business owner, a relationships' therapist, or a children's therapist  you could have done all that that made you, you but instead you grabbed onto my wrist  and told me stories with a twist don't say "yes" when you don't understand  ask questions when you hear something that doesn't sound fair or true when they say "this doesn't look nice", ask "to who?" so I asked why it's not okay for me to laugh loudly, or cry, or wear the shorts my brother wears all the time, why do girls leave their family for a man's, what is dowry, why is the woman's honour on line when she gets raped and not the perpetrator's, why don't men receive flowers, if women are bad drivers then why do insurance companies charge them less, how do e...

 I'm a calamity I'm afraid of my thoughts a chaos  I run from rumination but I can't seem to leave it behind  so intelligent I lose my mind what music can't tame I'm up against my brain  I give it information to consume when I don't, it consumes me instead I think more than what's been said then I open the DSM hoping it would answer my what, why and when I try one book after another  and nothing has been said about what's it like inside my head It's a battle I dread I'm up against my head I run and I run But how do you run from what's inside  imagine intelligence having a downside -maithili 

 if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name they would've gifted me a galaxy and revealed the rules of their game I would be bestowed with good fortune  I would shine against all odds if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name I dive headfirst  and it aches my heart before my skulls hurts gave him my crazy from the start and he didn't know the art of love and being crazy about me I tried to articulate  and he responded with his nods things wouldn't be the same if I called upon the gods as much as I called his name  the same mistake  one basket : all my eggs said he could carry my flame but I'm standing on my own two legs I cancelled on people to be with him he planned with his friends cancelling on his dame got no one to blame because I didn't call upon the gods instead of calling his name -Maithili 

I thought whirlwinds were love and I thought lightening was love  I thought butterflies were love and I thought reassurance was impossible in love I thought stability could never go with adventure  novelty, with structure and then I fell in love with a man who made me laugh and for some reason,  always wore black hammered away 54 hours and somehow,  still, always called me back we're talking about a private man who will, somehow, now, publically hold my hand and tell people we're dating  put me on his shoulders,  when we're celebrating  and let yourself be reminded we're not talking about some average jerk we're talking about a man who takes my call at work this man speculates my reactions and his predictions are exact for convenience,  we'll refer to him as "my  emergency contact" -Maithili 

 my dark i’ve tried rolling with my instinct i’ve followed a prudent plan cutting myself slack to testing my own limits i have done everything i can   walks, music, reading, writing i’ve been assertive i’ve been too nice i’ve journaled and hung out with friends you name it, i’ve done it twice   a happy, strong, hopeful, social butterfly standards so heavy my shoulder is bruised i am hopeless, and hurt; i feel weak and lonely are phrases i’ve never used   so tonight, i break down because i cannot hold up i am tired of being so brave the freedom to fail remains a privilege if i could, i would cave   i would collapse into loving arms i am dying to bend my knee loved for my high spirit will i be accepted for my vulnerability   will someone hold me in my sorrows will someone see beyond the cheer with my eloquence when i describe my dark will they still wanna hear?   i don’t know the answer so i c...

like a painting doesn't make sense when you're zoomed in and consumed in it like you don't understand warmth when there's just half knitted wool in your hand I didn't see how you were woven into my story  slowly,  one thread at a time you became my sweater  you became my name, letter by letter  -maithili

 Dipsomaniac another sip of you down the throat an alcoholic drenched in pain what is lethal to the heart is compulsive to my brain   summer dies into autumn my leaf falls to your feet, as if in prostration a casual crunch on that red rust as you omit hesitation   a love that pales with the trees only so long a summer fling can be i turn up the music so as to drown out the motorcycles in my vicinity   a starry violet window a starry eyed dipsomaniac out of luck a yearning for sobriety a fall that is all about getting back up -maithili

  Letter to Ma Ma, you know me, I bawl my soul out and I’m falling apart as I write I scream “why” in the sky, and I cry myself to sleep at night Ma, there’s an emotional whirlwind in the life of your little hurricane But I guess the price for embodying love is paid by enduring pain   You know me, I dive headfirst knowing the waves could get rough Ma, I gave him my everything and somehow it still wasn’t enough My romantic life seems to regularly test me until I shatter It was my birthday Ma, and he didn’t show up like I didn’t matter   And it got me thinking about the standards Dad’aa set He gives me time and attention even as the most arrogant man I have ever met Empties his bank account on me and doesn’t even keep score It would break him to see me settle for someone who must be asked to open my door   But the hollow of my heart yearns for an intimate touch When I come home no one hugs me and greets me with a, "I missed you so much...

 A couple of weeks I refuse to submit to the grandiosity of time And fall victim to the trick it plays Because it is not how many days you love someone for It is how much you love someone in those days   And for a couple weeks I believed in fairytales And dreamed of you every single night Afraid of being an extra weight on people’s shoulders For a couple weeks, I felt light   For a couple weeks I drowned in your eyes To see you, I counted down days and hours In the mere hope of witnessing your smile For a couple weeks, I got you flowers   For a couple weeks I loved you whole And I loved how your fingers felt on my skin Even though I knew I’d come out heartbroken For a couple weeks, I was all in   So, remember us happy and remember us hurt Remember us afraid and remember us strong But most importantly, remember this story Even though it was only a couple of weeks long -Maithili

Last forever  An aura so magnetic that I was enarmoured by your charm Long before I had a chance to admire the tattoos on your left arm   With a delicate demeanour, you laid on me the honesty in your eyes Sedated, I would almost certainly believe all of your lies   You don’t even know what I would give to just see your smile Because no has made me feel so deeply loved in a while     Your seraphic presence puts my chaos to ease I run to you like I run to the water for some peace   Accustomed to bravado, I didn’t remember I was capable of being shy Until, I blushed and felt my body tremble every time you came by   I don’t care for compliments, but my chest puffs up when you call me clever Might have been the first time I have really wanted something to last forever -Maithili

 Where is your home? Where is your home? As an International student I have dealt with enough to be capable of answering any question but this Is it the building around the corner Or is it family house that I miss Should I make peace with reality and tell them my Canadian address Or should I tell them that home is what I yearn for Home is where I get my mother’s gentle kiss Home is where I’m in the state of bliss The place I have now long forgotten But also the only motivator and the only thing I reminisce Where is your home? Home is behind and everything I look forward too Look at my heart, home is inside this -Maithili

  My eloquence fails me I thought I’d release All these emotions, chaotic and brand new I thought I’d write But words don’t do justice to how I feel about you   I can’t start to describe the back rub Just know it soothed me a little too much I could write how I feel when you hold me But words don’t do justice to your touch   Oh, damn and your eyes I tried comparing them to the deep waters or the blue rose But I’ve heard all the exquisite songs And none of them come close   Don’t get me started On when you lay them on me I am certain my fingertips will crash If I dare to weave this into poetry   My eloquence fails me When I type up dreams that would never come true Then I decide to print the sleepless nights But words don’t do justice to how much I think about you   Just know my heart beats at an unprecedented rate I smile knowing well it might just explode For a moment I’m tempted to pen it all down ...

 Safety net The fear of falling abandoned me When I was a mere child Because Dad always caught me When I jumped off wild   Those monkey bars remember the tale It has been witnessed by every wall That I climb with audacity Because my dad catches me every time I fall   This lives on with me as a metaphor I’m beset by no frown Because I know dad will pick me When life knocks me down   Every failure is trivial His love grows as big as my problems get There is no fall too big for me As long as I land on my safety net   He reminds me of humility and thankfulness On the days I’m glad But today I think everyone must know My gratitude list starts with my dad -Maithili

 Will You I’ve been musing quite a while Do I want it cryptic or clear I could throw my verse in this universe Or imprint entire cosmos, my dear   I think I’ll commence without salt or spices Raw description of the most gorgeous man around the city Your eyes are so seraphic That I wonder if I’m sufficiently pretty   So chivalrous, soft, masculine, and kind I feel so safe with your arms wrapped around Your mere presence chokes me with emotion You just have to look at me to make my heart pound   But you blow hot and cold I’m all in and you seem to have no clue You mystify me to pieces and I wonder If I say I love you, will you?   I watch Gilmore Girls these days And when I see Dean kissing Rory I imagine scenarios of you kissing me Hoping you too fabricate our story   See, I now notice every white car in town Hoping one of them would slow down near me And then you’ll pick me up and drive me around Until ...

  Airport I learn to live without you Because with you, I don’t live The trepidation you handcuffed me with Isn’t something I can yet forgive   I disrobed my truth To adorn the shiny pieces you’d dote Nothing has been the same Since the day I saw you at the airport   You made laughter abandon my body Tears became something I swallow Pouring my energy Has never left me this hollow   Your words are as ugly   As beautiful were the messages you wrote Nothing has been the same Since the day I saw you at the airport  -Maithili

 Blank Slate I am a blank slate Where love and loneliness conflate My energy is the bait But I'm not the kind you wanna date I overflow with love and have enough for the land I burn with passion and sink into the sand Little gestures make me bubble up But I'm not everyone's tea cup Nile is an extension of my tears But my smile is so loud it'll stun your ears I'll carve our connection on a stone But I wanna go for a swim alone I like the non-judgement and freedom But I find the isolation dumb I'm passionate about my assignments at school And loathe the hustle culture's rule My research is up to date My strong opinions I fiercely state I'm always up for a debate I'm a blank slate -Maithili

  On a whim Why am I fearful in poetry In words that are my very own My secret scary demanding dreams My thoughts when I am alone   Be my guest, fill my damn pool with love Except that it’s an ocean On my cozy sweater of memories Weave me your emotion   My anxiety discomforts me like a headache But your touch can change everything Hug me warm in my tears Bring me breakfast in bed and sing   My asks and demands and requests My stubborn silly temperament My mature deep discussions My emotional need to vent   On most occasions I’m convinced I’ll be alone Sometimes I win But even when I get it all I throw it away on a whim   And that is why I am fearful in poetry In words that are my very own My secret scary demanding dreams My thoughts when I am alone -Maithili

  Another chore that makes me tired When I’ve hustled to a frazzle and subscribed to a million commitments that enmesh me I thought when I come home to you, your touch was supposed to refresh me You said there is no trouble a good intercourse cannot mend There must be something wrong with me for I am just waiting for it to end Sleeping with you doesn’t feel like a refuge from my other work If you’re so horny, I’d rather you go to the restroom and jerk This feels like another job, and I’m desperate to get fired Getting in bed with you has just become another chore that makes me tired -Maithili

 A message to my friends back home Send me a text today I know we haven’t chatted in a long while Don’t tell me you’re busy today Because my to-do list isn’t a page, it’s a pile   Let’s discuss a problem today And one thing that is going right You tell me how much you want me there And I’ll tell you I need a hug so tight   I’ll rant about the stupid supervisor While you tell me how you’ll punch her face And when you tell me how you feel you’re running too slow I’ll scream “Honey life is not a race”   I’ll tell you about my romantic life And you can remind me of the whore me When you describe how awfully single you are I’ll promise you’ll still get married before me   Tell me you’ll take a flight to come feed me If I don’t eat well everyday Let’s crack some silly jokes together Homie, Let’s cry a little today -Maithili

  A friend to all is a friend to none Because unicorns can write stories too They can write that I left you behind like CN Tower from the window of the train I’m painfully hard to impress while you were everyone’s to attain Your tinsel beauty shined under the sun and people got pictures standing beside We all thought you were a marvel, none of us knew what was inside   So naïve, I assumed you were only mine to touch and I poured my trust But CN Tower is renowned for entertaining every tourist’s lust They write that every time you caressed me, it’ll live on me as an indelible stain So, I left you behind like CN Tower from the window of the train   Because I don’t share my people and you’re a community commodity Laughing, dancing, drinking, and sleeping with every other woman in the city I’m too special to be special to someone like you Because unicorns can write stories too -a white unicorn with a rainbow horn -Maithili

Two families  Delhi hits home But Peterborough itself isn’t foreign land Mumma makes the best food But Himanshu feeds me with his hand Dad makes sure nothing disturbs my sleep But Meraj wakes me up with kisses Dad fulfills all my needs But Meraj, my unreasonable wishes Namrata’s, “I’ll miss you again” was as genuine As Apurva’s, “I’m glad you’re back” Mumma thinks I’m outstanding But Eesha makes me stand out by getting everyone else to wear black Namrata Riya organized a party for me But Eesha left one because I couldn’t go Namrata hears about my struggles without judgement But Apurva struggles with me in the snow Those stupid sibling fights with Jai have my heart But Aashay isn’t any less than an annoying elder brother Dramatically clinging to Riya is fun But Shaunak’s hugs are like no other Meraj gets me beautiful red roses And my Mumma, always lilies I’m not sure what is that you’re proud of But my flex is having two families -Maithili

  Tired eyes always look for home Like an infinity pool, brimming, her mind for exploration She set her sails for Russia, Greece, and Rome Climbing on trees, running barefoot to a frazzle She sighs, “Tired eyes always look for home” She sniffs the oldest thing in her brand new room Thinks to herself, society’s idea of success is a trap She spent all her savings on this challenging career Now she is saving up to lay her head in mum’s lap No expensive perfume is a sexy as a familiar scent Nothing as medicinal as having someone when you’re alone Her comfort seeks new ventures But her tired eyes always look for home -Maithili

 Let me pretend Let me pretend that distance untangles my mess Let me believe that I'm not responsible For my brother's sense of helplessness I am in pain, but let me not confess   Let me act like my mind is present here Let me believe that my thoughts don't wander To my wobbly roots and its ensuing fear I am screaming, but let them not hear   Let me pretend my family isn't falling apart Let me believe that my parents aren't a toxic couple When they routinely break each other's heart Tears can narrate a story, but don't let them start -Maithili

 Get in or not The doors are open, there’s limited space Handful of trouble, a tad of solace The cars are bolting, it’s not a race Get in or not   Slower but scenic, her route is clear Following the crowd, her only fear Love street ahead, your stop is near Get in or not   Forever is a myth, binaries are fake Grey is her mind and worst mistake Red light of dejection, she’ll hit the break Get in or not   If you care and your values align You don’t have to tag her till the finish line You could be a friend, for some time Get in or not   Are your doubts bigger or your faith greater Impulsive heart, a deal-breaker Swerve to the left, without an indicator Get in or not   Headed down the same path today Change your mind, hear the announcement say Transfer to route 9 Lansdowne at the parkway Get in or not   She’ll stride, with you or without The bus is a metaphor for her heart putout You know ther...

You're there and I'm not  You’re abroad, seas apart, but you know I’ll sail across all oceans if the flight is too expensive Mommy’s always patting your back, so baby don’t be pensive. Your might is my pride honey, my shoulders broad and chin up because I know you’re going to make it Don’t you bend your knee to the hurdle, if you can’t leap over then break it   I’m peeking through your window like sunshine, my baby flower Stumble, fall, but get up, don’t you give in after we’ve come so far I see you screaming against the waves of failure and the wind of frustration Honey, I want to see you march another mile and pierce through the brunt of isolation   Tie your pony tail high today, wear your tears like your favourite dress Mommy’s the muse of your thoughts babe, mommy’s there in your restlessness You may wash off all the inhibitions and apprehensions that no longer serve My girl, don’t you heed those who disparage you for your nerve   T...

 Outsider I knew exactly what to say The tone, the expression that would slay I bolted through every outcome in 5 seconds But I was at work and decided, "Not Today!" But then I scanned the room To bump into one person with whom I could get his hate out my system And take but one step away from gloom Couldn't, I let his racism win My shoes began the aimless spin Couldn't spot one co-worker Without noticing the colour of their skin I let the What ifs catch me What if they think the same thoughts as he What if they give me a hug Because they pity the girl from across the sea Ordinarily my emotional bandwidth is wider But tonight I need an apple cider Tonight I wonder is it so far-fetched to not hate And to not make people feel like an outsider Maithili

 Still gain ground Imagine waking up a fine morning But your window still shows night You have breakfast and get ready for work But still no trace of a single speck of light   As if the sun forgot to show up When you expected to have a bright day Every other commitment retains its schedule Just not a sole sign of ray   Those bubbles of anxiety in my chest multiply When I expect a little more Got mad at you and locked my room Still haven’t heard a single knock on the door   You know I expect you like sun Every day you brighten me How did you manage to not show up When you knew darkness would frighten me   But I’m learning that I’m my own solace I’m embracing being wise Streetlight operation I’ve just been taught Because I know the sun won’t always rise   My headphones, my only dependable best friends And my music: a best friend’s rant If my body is a not-for-profit cooperation Then dance is my biggest gra...