Magical Mess

 my dark i’ve tried rolling with my instinct i’ve followed a prudent plan cutting myself slack to testing my own limits i have done everything i can   walks, music, reading, writing i’ve been assertive i’ve been too nice i’ve journaled and hung out with friends you name it, i’ve done it twice   a happy, strong, hopeful, social butterfly standards so heavy my shoulder is bruised i am hopeless, and hurt; i feel weak and lonely are phrases i’ve never used   so tonight, i break down because i cannot hold up i am tired of being so brave the freedom to fail remains a privilege if i could, i would cave   i would collapse into loving arms i am dying to bend my knee loved for my high spirit will i be accepted for my vulnerability   will someone hold me in my sorrows will someone see beyond the cheer with my eloquence when i describe my dark will they still wanna hear?   i don’t know the answer so i c...

like a painting doesn't make sense when you're zoomed in and consumed in it like you don't understand warmth when there's just half knitted wool in your hand I didn't see how you were woven into my story  slowly,  one thread at a time you became my sweater  you became my name, letter by letter  -maithili

 Dipsomaniac another sip of you down the throat an alcoholic drenched in pain what is lethal to the heart is compulsive to my brain   summer dies into autumn my leaf falls to your feet, as if in prostration a casual crunch on that red rust as you omit hesitation   a love that pales with the trees only so long a summer fling can be i turn up the music so as to drown out the motorcycles in my vicinity   a starry violet window a starry eyed dipsomaniac out of luck a yearning for sobriety a fall that is all about getting back up -Maithili

  Letter to Ma Ma, you know me, I bawl my soul out and I’m falling apart as I write I scream “why” in the sky, and I cry myself to sleep at night Ma, there’s an emotional whirlwind in the life of your little hurricane But I guess the price for embodying love is paid by enduring pain   You know me, I dive headfirst knowing the waves could get rough Ma, I gave him my everything and somehow it still wasn’t enough My romantic life seems to regularly test me until I shatter It was my birthday Ma, and he didn’t show up like I didn’t matter   And it got me thinking about the standards Dad’aa set He gives me time and attention even as the most arrogant man I have ever met Empties his bank account on me and doesn’t even keep score It would break him to see me settle for someone who must be asked to open my door   But the hollow of my heart yearns for an intimate touch When I come home no one hugs me and greets me with a, "I missed you so much...

 A couple of weeks I refuse to submit to the grandiosity of time And fall victim to the trick it plays Because it is not how many days you love someone for It is how much you love someone in those days   And for a couple weeks I believed in fairytales And dreamed of you every single night Afraid of being an extra weight on people’s shoulders For a couple weeks, I felt light   For a couple weeks I drowned in your eyes To see you, I counted down days and hours In the mere hope of witnessing your smile For a couple weeks, I got you flowers   For a couple weeks I loved you whole And I loved how your fingers felt on my skin Even though I knew I’d come out heartbroken For a couple weeks, I was all in   So, remember us happy and remember us hurt Remember us afraid and remember us strong But most importantly, remember this story Even though it was only a couple of weeks long -Maithili

Last forever  An aura so magnetic that I was enarmoured by your charm Long before I had a chance to admire the tattoos on your left arm   With a delicate demeanour, you laid on me the honesty in your eyes Sedated, I would almost certainly believe all of your lies   You don’t even know what I would give to just see your smile Because no has made me feel so deeply loved in a while     Your seraphic presence puts my chaos to ease I run to you like I run to the water for some peace   Accustomed to bravado, I didn’t remember I was capable of being shy Until, I blushed and felt my body tremble every time you came by   I don’t care for compliments, but my chest puffs up when you call me clever Might have been the first time I have really wanted something to last forever -Maithili

 Where is your home? Where is your home? As an International student I have dealt with enough to be capable of answering any question but this Is it the building around the corner Or is it family house that I miss Should I make peace with reality and tell them my Canadian address Or should I tell them that home is what I yearn for Home is where I get my mother’s gentle kiss Home is where I’m in the state of bliss The place I have now long forgotten But also the only motivator and the only thing I reminisce Where is your home? Home is behind and everything I look forward too Look at my heart, home is inside this -Maithili

  My eloquence fails me I thought I’d release All these emotions, chaotic and brand new I thought I’d write But words don’t do justice to how I feel about you   I can’t start to describe the back rub Just know it soothed me a little too much I could write how I feel when you hold me But words don’t do justice to your touch   Oh, damn and your eyes I tried comparing them to the deep waters or the blue rose But I’ve heard all the exquisite songs And none of them come close   Don’t get me started On when you lay them on me I am certain my fingertips will crash If I dare to weave this into poetry   My eloquence fails me When I type up dreams that would never come true Then I decide to print the sleepless nights But words don’t do justice to how much I think about you   Just know my heart beats at an unprecedented rate I smile knowing well it might just explode For a moment I’m tempted to pen it all down ...

 Safety net The fear of falling abandoned me When I was a mere child Because Dad always caught me When I jumped off wild   Those monkey bars remember the tale It has been witnessed by every wall That I climb with audacity Because my dad catches me every time I fall   This lives on with me as a metaphor I’m beset by no frown Because I know dad will pick me When life knocks me down   Every failure is trivial His love grows as big as my problems get There is no fall too big for me As long as I land on my safety net   He reminds me of humility and thankfulness On the days I’m glad But today I think everyone must know My gratitude list starts with my dad -Maithili

 Will You I’ve been musing quite a while Do I want it cryptic or clear I could throw my verse in this universe Or imprint entire cosmos, my dear   I think I’ll commence without salt or spices Raw description of the most gorgeous man around the city Your eyes are so seraphic That I wonder if I’m sufficiently pretty   So chivalrous, soft, masculine, and kind I feel so safe with your arms wrapped around Your mere presence chokes me with emotion You just have to look at me to make my heart pound   But you blow hot and cold I’m all in and you seem to have no clue You mystify me to pieces and I wonder If I say I love you, will you?   I watch Gilmore Girls these days And when I see Dean kissing Rory I imagine scenarios of you kissing me Hoping you too fabricate our story   See, I now notice every white car in town Hoping one of them would slow down near me And then you’ll pick me up and drive me around Until ...

  Airport I learn to live without you Because with you, I don’t live The trepidation you handcuffed me with Isn’t something I can yet forgive   I disrobed my truth To adorn the shiny pieces you’d dote Nothing has been the same Since the day I saw you at the airport   You made laughter abandon my body Tears became something I swallow Pouring my energy Has never left me this hollow   Your words are as ugly   As beautiful were the messages you wrote Nothing has been the same Since the day I saw you at the airport  -Maithili

 Blank Slate I am a blank slate Where love and loneliness conflate My energy is the bait But I'm not the kind you wanna date I overflow with love and have enough for the land I burn with passion and sink into the sand Little gestures make me bubble up But I'm not everyone's tea cup Nile is an extension of my tears But my smile is so loud it'll stun your ears I'll carve our connection on a stone But I wanna go for a swim alone I like the non-judgement and freedom But I find the isolation dumb I'm passionate about my assignments at school And loathe the hustle culture's rule My research is up to date My strong opinions I fiercely state I'm always up for a debate I'm a blank slate -Maithili

  On a whim Why am I fearful in poetry In words that are my very own My secret scary demanding dreams My thoughts when I am alone   Be my guest, fill my damn pool with love Except that it’s an ocean On my cozy sweater of memories Weave me your emotion   My anxiety discomforts me like a headache But your touch can change everything Hug me warm in my tears Bring me breakfast in bed and sing   My asks and demands and requests My stubborn silly temperament My mature deep discussions My emotional need to vent   On most occasions I’m convinced I’ll be alone Sometimes I win But even when I get it all I throw it away on a whim   And that is why I am fearful in poetry In words that are my very own My secret scary demanding dreams My thoughts when I am alone -Maithili

  Another chore that makes me tired When I’ve hustled to a frazzle and subscribed to a million commitments that enmesh me I thought when I come home to you, your touch was supposed to refresh me You said there is no trouble a good intercourse cannot mend There must be something wrong with me for I am just waiting for it to end Sleeping with you doesn’t feel like a refuge from my other work If you’re so horny, I’d rather you go to the restroom and jerk This feels like another job, and I’m desperate to get fired Getting in bed with you has just become another chore that makes me tired -Maithili

 A message to my friends back home Send me a text today I know we haven’t chatted in a long while Don’t tell me you’re busy today Because my to-do list isn’t a page, it’s a pile   Let’s discuss a problem today And one thing that is going right You tell me how much you want me there And I’ll tell you I need a hug so tight   I’ll rant about the stupid supervisor While you tell me how you’ll punch her face And when you tell me how you feel you’re running too slow I’ll scream “Honey life is not a race”   I’ll tell you about my romantic life And you can remind me of the whore me When you describe how awfully single you are I’ll promise you’ll still get married before me   Tell me you’ll take a flight to come feed me If I don’t eat well everyday Let’s crack some silly jokes together Homie, Let’s cry a little today -Maithili

  A friend to all is a friend to none Because unicorns can write stories too They can write that I left you behind like CN Tower from the window of the train I’m painfully hard to impress while you were everyone’s to attain Your tinsel beauty shined under the sun and people got pictures standing beside We all thought you were a marvel, none of us knew what was inside   So naïve, I assumed you were only mine to touch and I poured my trust But CN Tower is renowned for entertaining every tourist’s lust They write that every time you caressed me, it’ll live on me as an indelible stain So, I left you behind like CN Tower from the window of the train   Because I don’t share my people and you’re a community commodity Laughing, dancing, drinking, and sleeping with every other woman in the city I’m too special to be special to someone like you Because unicorns can write stories too -a white unicorn with a rainbow horn -Maithili

Two families  Delhi hits home But Peterborough itself isn’t foreign land Mumma makes the best food But Himanshu feeds me with his hand Dad makes sure nothing disturbs my sleep But Meraj wakes me up with kisses Dad fulfills all my needs But Meraj, my unreasonable wishes Namrata’s, “I’ll miss you again” was as genuine As Apurva’s, “I’m glad you’re back” Mumma thinks I’m outstanding But Eesha makes me stand out by getting everyone else to wear black Namrata Riya organized a party for me But Eesha left one because I couldn’t go Namrata hears about my struggles without judgement But Apurva struggles with me in the snow Those stupid sibling fights with Jai have my heart But Aashay isn’t any less than an annoying elder brother Dramatically clinging to Riya is fun But Shaunak’s hugs are like no other Meraj gets me beautiful red roses And my Mumma, always lilies I’m not sure what is that you’re proud of But my flex is having two families -Maithili

  Tired eyes always look for home Like an infinity pool, brimming, her mind for exploration She set her sails for Russia, Greece, and Rome Climbing on trees, running barefoot to a frazzle She sighs, “Tired eyes always look for home” She sniffs the oldest thing in her brand new room Thinks to herself, society’s idea of success is a trap She spent all her savings on this challenging career Now she is saving up to lay her head in mum’s lap No expensive perfume is a sexy as a familiar scent Nothing as medicinal as having someone when you’re alone Her comfort seeks new ventures But her tired eyes always look for home -Maithili

 Let me pretend Let me pretend that distance untangles my mess Let me believe that I'm not responsible For my brother's sense of helplessness I am in pain, but let me not confess   Let me act like my mind is present here Let me believe that my thoughts don't wander To my wobbly roots and its ensuing fear I am screaming, but let them not hear   Let me pretend my family isn't falling apart Let me believe that my parents aren't a toxic couple When they routinely break each other's heart Tears can narrate a story, but don't let them start -Maithili

 Get in or not The doors are open, there’s limited space Handful of trouble, a tad of solace The cars are bolting, it’s not a race Get in or not   Slower but scenic, her route is clear Following the crowd, her only fear Love street ahead, your stop is near Get in or not   Forever is a myth, binaries are fake Grey is her mind and worst mistake Red light of dejection, she’ll hit the break Get in or not   If you care and your values align You don’t have to tag her till the finish line You could be a friend, for some time Get in or not   Are your doubts bigger or your faith greater Impulsive heart, a deal-breaker Swerve to the left, without an indicator Get in or not   Headed down the same path today Change your mind, hear the announcement say Transfer to route 9 Lansdowne at the parkway Get in or not   She’ll stride, with you or without The bus is a metaphor for her heart putout You know ther...

You're there and I'm not  You’re abroad, seas apart, but you know I’ll sail across all oceans if the flight is too expensive Mommy’s always patting your back, so baby don’t be pensive. Your might is my pride honey, my shoulders broad and chin up because I know you’re going to make it Don’t you bend your knee to the hurdle, if you can’t leap over then break it   I’m peeking through your window like sunshine, my baby flower Stumble, fall, but get up, don’t you give in after we’ve come so far I see you screaming against the waves of failure and the wind of frustration Honey, I want to see you march another mile and pierce through the brunt of isolation   Tie your pony tail high today, wear your tears like your favourite dress Mommy’s the muse of your thoughts babe, mommy’s there in your restlessness You may wash off all the inhibitions and apprehensions that no longer serve My girl, don’t you heed those who disparage you for your nerve   T...

 Outsider I knew exactly what to say The tone, the expression that would slay I bolted through every outcome in 5 seconds But I was at work and decided, "Not Today!" But then I scanned the room To bump into one person with whom I could get his hate out my system And take but one step away from gloom Couldn't, I let his racism win My shoes began the aimless spin Couldn't spot one co-worker Without noticing the colour of their skin I let the What ifs catch me What if they think the same thoughts as he What if they give me a hug Because they pity the girl from across the sea Ordinarily my emotional bandwidth is wider But tonight I need an apple cider Tonight I wonder is it so far-fetched to not hate And to not make people feel like an outsider Maithili

 Still gain ground Imagine waking up a fine morning But your window still shows night You have breakfast and get ready for work But still no trace of a single speck of light   As if the sun forgot to show up When you expected to have a bright day Every other commitment retains its schedule Just not a sole sign of ray   Those bubbles of anxiety in my chest multiply When I expect a little more Got mad at you and locked my room Still haven’t heard a single knock on the door   You know I expect you like sun Every day you brighten me How did you manage to not show up When you knew darkness would frighten me   But I’m learning that I’m my own solace I’m embracing being wise Streetlight operation I’ve just been taught Because I know the sun won’t always rise   My headphones, my only dependable best friends And my music: a best friend’s rant If my body is a not-for-profit cooperation Then dance is my biggest gra...

 Raised very well Meandering through hell, Ma, how did you raise me so well? How did you nurture my confidence When you had been so tense You drove me to my hobbies daily While you were being driven crazy When you unflinchingly step out of your line You know you send chills down their spine? For every mother and wife who turns a blind eye You set an example unbelievably high Ma, how did I become this woman Clear headed within the commotion How did you pay me all this attention When you never got a mention How did you manage to send me so far Ma, when they contained you behind bars How did your impulsiveness twirl Into patient thought inside your girl? Your potential inspired my heart And that's how I'm creating art You teach me love and I'm still learning You ignited a spark and it's still burning People made you think you were an unworthy mess But you should know that I never settle for less And with a glance people can tell That I was raised very well They appreciate ...

 Will I be loud? image by @ rare_rascal I am mostly an extrovert Isolated in my mind Customer service is my thing But friends are hard to find I write on the walls And untether relationships I flow with water But I am alone on the ship I can read the room But never my own mind I perplex myself And drown in time I ask for what I want I am terrified of hearing “No” What if all love bestowed on me Was a mere pretention show I have faith I am special But what if that’s a lie Everyone says I’m a leader But sometimes I’m shy I dance in the rain I’m anxious and charismatic I’m brimming with bravado But I’m also scared of it My potential’s a fact But success just a vision Sometimes it’s all about Taking that decision Will I make it through Will my parents be proud Will I cry away Or will I be loud? -Maithili      

Like you accept me I know I test your limits and exasperate But you still want to take me out on a movie date I don’t know if people can relate. But I’m glad you come around, when I’m not thinking sound   I sometimes jump on you like an animal But you still think that I’m silly, but adorable Your love is just so palpable I act like I make all the laws, you still kiss me on my flaws   A petulant verbose diva, who won’t admit to mistakes, make a fuss out of a snowflake And then you start counting, all the brilliant things I am, you say you’ll always be my fan   You’re kind to all my unreasonable insecurities and I can’t wrap my head around this discrepancy That you pick at the little things that go wrong with you, when there was nothing really anything you could do Your eyesight has been weak lately, that’s why you can’t see That you should accept yourself, like you accept me   All your business ideas are immaculate You show up eve...

  Healing through a glass pane Have you ever seen a glass pane? Have you seen it with pain? Swathe yourself in its admiration Dig until it offers a revelation   It presents an amalgamation of visions It offers choices with precision   You can either look through it Get going, make your morning coffee and brew it You can pay attention to what’s waiting on the other side You’re hurting already and this one is painful to decide   Or you can focus on your own dull reflection Read aloud your story’s most excruciating section Scan everything that surrounds Find things that shake you, make you lose your ground   Don’t haste the pick for there is a third option You’re both the bidder and the seller at this auction You can choose to merely look at the glass Stay in the emotion, inhale it until it is ready to pass   Neither hustling to be whole Nor regressing against the goal Just feel the pain to heal the pain Have y...